NaNoWriMo

i signed up for NaNoWriMo (http://www.nanowrimo.org/).

can't believe i've done it, but i have. and i really don't want to NOT finish this. i really don't. oh, christ, if this ends in the same old mess (distractions, procrastinations, EXCUSES!), i'll be sick.

no, i'm doing it. writing a friggin' book. i imagine it'll be god awful and i won't want to show it to anyone, BUT... that little ugly bird will be a lovely swan one day. i'll make her so.

november (National Novel Writing Month) was less than a week away when i realized that it was that time of year. this is not the first time i've drooled over the notion of diving into the deep end of the pool. SO, i haven't given a whole lot of thought to what the hell i'm going to write. there's the script i have that's all laid out, scene for scene... but wasn't i convinced it was a film, not a book?

on the NaNoWriMo site i discovered that they host this same masochistic challenge for screenwriters (http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/scriptfrenzy). it's in april. maybe i should save the script. start fresh. completely fresh. not an idea in my head. empty... hey, might as well get ready for the hours of writer's block that's a-headin' my way!

can you tell i'm nervous?

ONE MONTH TO WRITE A NOVEL. me, who claims to have NO time. NONE. but... here i am writing THIS... this blog.

i can do this.

Michael Haneke

Last night, my husband and I watched the film "Code Unknown: Incomplete Tales of Several Journeys," directed by Michael Haneke. I've decided that he is one of my very favorite film makers.

He received international notoriety last year for "The White Ribbon," a brilliant film about pre WWI Germany.

But it was "Cache" in 2005 that first blew my mind. I had long admired, and always looked forward to watching, Juliette Binoche and Daniel Auteil, so I was looking forward to seeing them both in "Cache". I knew little of the director.

I had seen "Lumiere," the film where 40 directors were asked to make a short film using the Lumiere brothers' Cinematographe, but I really don't remember it. I'll have to see it again to see Haneke's piece.

After "Cache," I saw "The Piano Teacher," but my husband was so disturbed by its subject that it was hard to follow with his bothered commentary. I think we tried to watch it at home, as well, which is all too often laden with interruptions and distractions.

I know we saw Haneke's original "Funny Games," uninterrupted. Wow. That was a film I deeply appreciate for its raw, unflinching and horrifyingly real approach to a very dark and disturbing story. But, I'd rather forget that film. WAY too disturbing. And I would suggest that anyone with a small child avoid this film at all costs.

I was intrigued when I heard that he was going to remake his own film as an English language film 10 years after the original. I would imagine a director would want to do much differently. I didn't go near the theaters for the remake but heard that it was, almost frame for frame, a duplicate of the original. Odd.

"Code Unknown" was made in 2000, but I had never heard of it. This one also starred the incredible Juliette Binoche, as beautiful, raw and riveting as ever.

I see the world with fresh eyes after watching a Haneke film. I think he is the most honest director I have ever seen. He forces the viewer to be human. To have a human response to what they witness in his films. The people and events in his films are never allowed to be abstract or distant. They are you. You are there. He presents what really seems to be the truth of an experience or a situation or a relationship. I walk away feeling that I am FEELING deeper than I was before.

I'm grateful for his gift. He inspires me to strive for such depth and honesty in my own work.

Paris In My Pocket

travel is hard to come by these days. and when it does come (RARE. RARE. RARE.), it comes with small children attached. when it was just one child (my girl), it was still doable. she was actually great in Mexico, and in Paris and the south of France.

but now, my own personal WILD THING (my crazy boy) is in the picture. it's another reality entirely.

i am convinced that i will find a way to be that lady who glides through life unfazed by the circus that engulfs her.

i'll chop herbs in the kitchen for my famous pesto, whilst sipping a gin martini, laughing with a dinner guest and pouring juice for the throng of little ones pulling on my vintage Missoni skirt.

i'll embrace travel the same way. the children will run wild in Luxembourg Gardens while my husband and i share a bottle of Chateau Neuf De Pape, a baguette and fabulous stinky cheese.

in Rome, the kids will eat gelato and play near the Trivi Fountain. il mio amore and i will try to spot locals to photograph while practicing our italian on each other.

but my favorite thing about traveling is living in another place for a while. living the way the locals do. renting an apartment, shopping at the grocery store and the open air markets, preparing meals at home.

and i do love long, lazy days at a cafe.

a while back, dreaming of travel, missing it terribly, i thought it would be fun to dedicate each week to a different place i longed to be. pretend, right here at home, that i was in...

Paris...

yes, here i am Jane Birkin. so shoot me.

but, really, i could visit the wonderful little French cafes right here at home. some are fabulous. not Paris, but really lovely.

(and could just be mama Jane in my head. no one else has to know.)

a little outdoor entertaining, gorgeous Italian cuisine... and i'm in Tuscany.

not sure yet how to fake Buenos Aires...

watch some German cinema...

and i'm in Berlin.

okay, so it's not as simple as all of that, but it does feel good to dress like a French gamine, cook like an Italian mama and lose myself in the languages of far away places.

yes, it's just pretend...

but the joy is real. 

Another John

my husband has a crush on John Frusciante. 

he just discovered him. as a solo artist, that is.

he was familiar with The Red hot Chili Peppers, of course, but, never knew of John alone. nor did i.

we watched this video (couldn't seem to upload it, but please check out the link) of John singing a Simon and Garfunkel song i never knew i loved so much.

John's rawness, and the slight, but fully tangible edge he brings to the song, is pure beauty. and well, it's a great song.

okay, so we both have a crush. 

John

(this was meant to go up yesterday, but STILL has to be posted).

Happy Birthday, John Lennon.

Thank you.

Day One

birthdays really are overrated, aren't they? i think we'd all agree on that.

i think mine used to be pretty satisfying but then, after a while, i was chasing the dragon. looking for that birthday high from some time before. expecting an old, familiar exhilaration. but as i changed, that high changed. morphed into something... different.

i want to BE HERE NOW. love my life (and myself) NOW. as i am right here. today. no more constant comparisons to the days that came before and the girl i was before.

i'm me now. and i'm pretty great.

my day

today is my birthday.

i feel so odd (accidentally? typed "off" just now...). desperately wanting to be alone with me. to swim around and find what i'm feeling. find exactly what i want. how to get there. but today was crammed with the usual things. i wasn't able to swim, to float, to dream.

but tomorrow...

tomorrow, i will take a day for myself. my wonderful husband has insisted i spend an evening alone in a hotel and so i will be following orders.

can't wait.

i have no interest in leaving the hotel. i just need to hang out with Coco and a glass, or two... or three, of wine.

tonight, my wonderful circus will serve me dinner and cake. and i'm sure they'll sing me a song...

miranda

i'm madly in love with miranda july.

i saw her in a restaurant almost a year ago and while i had seen her film, "Me, You, and Everyone We Know," i hadn't read her book, "No One Belongs Here More Than You" yet, though i had wanted to for so long.

i have read it now. over the summer. good thing i hadn't read it when i saw her. i think i probably would've completely embarrassed myself and my husband. at the least, i would've stared, introduced myself, and gushed. 

she is a treasure. honest and generous. her work makes me so inspired and happy. and "Learning To Love You More" was brilliant and full of love.

check out this interview with her.

wonderful.

a little dreaming is in order. 

this is so my car...

and my fashion ease...

i have moments of pure glee...
(this one courtesy of FreckledNest)

i whip stuff like this together on a weekend.

and, yes... i sleep here.

more dreaming later... must sleep now.

sleep

this just looks so utterly luxurious, and inviting to me. i found it on the  Bodie and Fou blog.

and, i know it doesn't sound terribly sexy, but this looks practical, too. cottons. wrinkle happy. dusky-colored.

but mostly, it looks yummy.

beginning

we found the Polaroid in a box yesterday.

i'm holding up the E.P.T. test with the solid dark line through the little square. my man is planting a happy kiss on my cheek.

my hand covers my eyes. there's a smile there, too, but, like most folks just finding out their life is about to change, i was nervous. no idea what to expect. i knew my life would be filled with love that i could never have imagined.

but the change part. i had no idea what that meant.

i really didn't.

my life IS filled with so much love. my kids, my husband... i'm so lucky. love i could have never imagined.

life is beautiful. but, it's wall to wall needs, too. other people's needs.

i need somewhere to breathe.

that's why i'm here.